My husband would rather pay for sex than sleep with me

DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT my husband had a low sex drive, but it turns out he’d rather pay for sex than sleep with me.

Throughout our relationship, he’s used escorts — and lied to me about it.

I’m 36 and he’s 40. We’ve been married for eight years, and, perhaps thankfully, don’t have any kids.

Our sex life was great at the start. But once we got married, he rarely wanted to do it. It frustrated me, but I accepted it as part of him.

A few months ago, I discovered a restaurant receipt in his jacket pocket. We’d never been there together, so I confronted him.

He admitted he’d been there with another woman he was having an affair with but that it was now over.

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He agreed to have counselling to try to repair our marriage.

But at our latest session, when the counsellor said he appeared to be holding back, he broke down in tears.

Then he admitted he’d not actually had an affair, the woman was a sex worker. And there had been countless others, over the years.

I’ve now banished him from the bedroom and told him I want a divorce. But that’s not going to help heal my broken heart, or change the fact that, despite everything, I still love him.

I don’t understand how he could do this to me.

He says he doesn’t understand it either. It was the thrill, the danger — he says he needs sex to be ‘wrong’ or ‘dirty’ in order to enjoy it.

Where do we go from here?

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DEIDRE SAYS: No wonder you are devastated.

Your husband probably lied because he was ashamed of the truth, and a run-of-the mill affair somehow seemed more palatable.

But he’s made things worse by shattering your trust for a second time.

It sounds like your husband may have a sex addiction, in which case you would both benefit from seeing a sexual and relationship counsellor, COSRT ( can help you find a reputable therapist.

If, as you say, you still love him, this is something he may be able to overcome with help and time.

But having been betrayed so badly, it’s up to you whether you want to try to rebuild your marriage or walk away.

As he’s had sex with several other women it will be wise for you both to get checked out at a local sexual health clinic


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